Chokehold
When anxiety knocks, you listen — a lesson in taming my inner beast
‘Why me?’ I kept asking myself while I laid on my hard bed, wondering why it wasn’t easier for people like me; people who had this type of condition. It was intangible, unseen to the naked eye and indescribable — I wasn’t even sure how I got it. But it didn’t matter at this point because it lived inside me, eating away at my young soul and I had to deal with it.
My earliest memory of having anxiety was in 2011, when there was a lot going on in my life; most I had no control over. The devil is in the details, it’s the little things that go undetected that grow into big problems. My problems started after I got fired from my job, and when I failed my college semester, and when I was got swindled for money by pretty faces with many bad attitudes. It all came together like a marriage, between two people who didn’t belong.
During these times, I was perpetually in and out of daydreams while I sat in class — I needed an escape. But the soul eater never truly showed itself at this point, he favored a slow burn. He wanted to first ingrain himself within me, making any sort of healing impossible later on.
Fast forward 3 years and you’ve got a person who on the surface has gotten stronger but inside is a complete mess. I became obese and developed breathing problems, which appeared at random times within the day. This was the gift he had given me, griping me by the throat and closing off my access to oxygen and happiness; what an asshole. I blamed myself for this ailment, thinking I was doing it subconsciously to punish myself. But it wasn’t me, it was the demon inside; finding ways to strike me down.
I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. My attitude changed and so did my personality, I wasn’t the same person anymore. I never wanted to hang out with anyone anymore — my pride was so fractured that I wanted to handle this on my own to reclaim it. I didn’t want anyone to know what I was going through, I felt embarrassed and all I wanted to be was my former happy self.
I had to start by confronting my inner demon. I took a step into the right direction when I did that, I took accountability for my own actions in the most brazen way. I admitted that getting fired was my fault. Getting obese was my fault. All the classes I failed, wasn’t because I was stressed and distracted by life, but because I didn’t study. The thousands of dollars I blew though, putting myself deeper into debt — was all my fault. It’s only when you stop lying to yourself that you change the narrative of your life, from one of a victim to one of the hero.
I became the hero of my life. I was like Sherlock Holmes, finding small clues to decipher and solve my problems. I built solid foundations of habit, focusing on building one habit at a time. I focused on college and got my degree. I got a new job, one more aligned to my current interests. I cut myself off from the pretty faces of the world, focusing on the person inside. Which led me to start living a healthy lifestyle, finally overcoming my anxiety. It wasn’t easy by all means, this expedition took me 5 years and the most important thing I learned was to love yourself. Only then you’ll be able to address the things that hurt you.
